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I am not my past, I am not the little girl who cannot speak her mind, I am not that little girl who is scared to make someone upset by just being me.I am a grown woman, the woman I always wanted to be, the one I would dream about wishing I could be with a snap of my fingers. Well my wish is here.

If I were to go back to that place and be around those people who aren’t there for me now nor were they there for me before. It would slowly kill me again..  I am here in a much better place and I love me. I have never really said that before and meant it. But it feels good and I believe it.

I can honestly say right now that I am letting go of what there was in my past and I am opening myself up to the possibilities I have right here right now. I know I am able of great things. I’ve always known it but now I can actually see it coming true.

Remembering gratitude when you feel bad. 

In my heart of hearts I believe my son knows this as well. I know he desperately wants something better for himself, but he has to prove it to himself in his own way. I tried to protect him so much but making stronger and to believe in himself. We had to. I didn’t know any better. Today I do and I am working on me.

I have a loving man in my life, who didn’t go through the pain that I had went through, thankfully because really i wouldn’t wish that onto anyone. He supports me in the best way he can and he’s really good at it. I am blessed.

I have a healthy happy son who is learning to be really independent, just like I had taught him. Although I really wanted to be a bigger part of his life, I have to learn to trust what I taught him is serving him well. We are both learning more about ourselves these days. That’s why we are like this.

I have also 2 smaller children that are a big part of my life, what a blessing to be able to pass on the lesson’s I’ve learned so far. My husbands family shows love the way I had thought I had wanted, but nothing is perfect, so I am accepting what I am given as far as love goes. Blessings.

I know I’ve been living in my past fears on this pity train. I wanted people to love me for everything I’ve been through. I wanted others to be proud of the things I’ve overcome and being able to smile in the light of day. it’s been a struggle yes that’s for sure. But for those of us who truely overcome difficult times are those who do not dwell on it and sit in the soiled mess that was created when you didn’t know any better. When you were a baby you sat in your soiled diapers, not knowing that’s what you were doing, soon though you discovered it was uncomfortable and not enjoyable at all. You learned to get out of it and move on. You didn’t sit in it nor did you go on and on about how you use to sit in it and want others around you to feel sorry for you and say what a great joy you did.. You just did it.  I know not the best description for this but it really drives home the point. I am done with sitting in a mess and wanting others to experience the pain of being in such a mess. I am ready to put on my girl panties and be me the best I am.

Wow what a difference a few hours make, I am feeling tears trying to come up, not tears of pain, or sorrow but tears of joy. when the lows are low for me the high gets a little higher. I love it. Thank you. I can smile with gratitude in my heart and joy lurking around the corner. yippee. 

I am not my used diaper anymore. …yeah I ‘ll have to work on that one. It just doesn’t sound quite right.

When you think about it I’m really not that little girl anymore and I am really happy to have finally discover this. thank you.

Who do we really think a hero is?

A hero comes home from fighting, or a long journey where he had to fight a dragon as the story goes.
A hero is someone who appears to fight something outside of themselves but really I believe it’s actually a fight that goes on inside of us.
When you can’t seem to get out of bed in the morning because you believe there’s nothing in this world for you. But when you step onto the floor you then become a hero.
Does a hero need to be holding a gun? Do they need to belong to a group that fights others?
What about when you want to say I love you but you’re not sure if the other person feels the same. To me that’s a hero.

Do we have to have trophy’s in order to be a hero?
What about working long shifts at work in order to be able to provide for your family, even though you know it’s not enough. You secretly think you’re a loser who can never do enough. Well you’re a hero. You go out every day and give it your best.
Coming home to your family when you were told you don’t work here anymore.
Then I go to some woman whom I know who can’t even hold a pen let alone a make up eye liner, they would never even try to come that close to their with anything sharp for fear of poking out their eyes.Because their eyes are the only way they know the world. Then I thought of another person I know who walking is a challenge and never being able run or walk along with those they love. I believe these woman to be heroes.

As you wake up in the morning and begin your day you look in the mirror and wonder where did that super hero go you had always wanted to be? Well believe me your kids believe you are that super hero.
But why don’t we celebrate the everyday hero?

A hero is someone who has courage that comes from within, the fight goes on inside us all. It’s the fight to believe that there’s more courage.
As I put on my make up to make myself feel a little better about myself and to have my man take notice of me I wonder who else is doing this? I wonder if anyone else has difficulty putting on the eye liner, trying to keep a straight line along my lashes. I believe that’s how it’s suppose to go anyways.
I then thought about woman I know and I would like to admit that I have been there myself, a time when getting out of bed seemed to be the greatest obstacle in life. However once that step is taken and the feet touch the floor you’re a hero. To the mom who takes the time to brush her teeth in silence, and look in the mirror wondering where the little girl went who dreamed of prince charming is a hero. For her prince charming now calls her mom.

To the woman who knows going to work every day means she might not be there for her children when they arrive home from school and a meeting runs late and they miss tucking them into bed. For you are the hero for sure, as your tip toe into the bedroom and pull up the blankets against their tiny little bodies, brushing their hair back whispering I love you.

To the woman who goes hungry because there’s not enough food in the house, you are a hero.
To the woman who doesn’t have children and is ok with that, you’re a hero because you’re able to speak and live in your truth.
To the woman as once myself who have lost children and now speak to as angels. You are a hero, you hold your head up when all you really want to do is lay down and cry and pray why?

We are all heroes, we all beat to the same heart. We all have lessons and challenges to go through hopefully with grace. But we are all the same, we are each others heroes, someone somewhere is looking to you for strength. I know it’s hard but try to remember that when those dark days come flooding your life.

You are a hero. xo

The title on this one is one that I hope to be true by the time I am done writing this.

I really don’t fucking feel very fabulous right now. In fact I am border line feeling like shit. Other than I just I put on a jacket that use to be too tight to wear and it fits me pretty good. I put on the jacket to go out and get something to eat to help soothe my feelings. Cause my feelings have got me a little down.

I slept good last night so according to most advice I’ve received over the years I should be in a better mood because every time I was in a bad mood, they would tell me to go sleep it off and you’ll feel better. Yes, generally that great wisdom would come from a man in my life that was completely disconnected from their own feelings. Them going to sleep work for them because when they woke up they would of completely forgot about the problem all together.

However I am not a man. No matter how hard I’ve tried to be one.

You see I had to be one or I thought I had to be one to seen by my father because his love was one I craved from the most. I saw him give it away to others but never to me. I saw him give to people who needed help, he has such a big heart therefore I became someone who also needed help. But that wasn’t enough either because according to him I should be able to figure it out on my own. What a contradiction. In addition to that one, I worked daily beside men on a farm and in some cases outworked them. I remember being overlooked for everything. I had to put the work in but never seemed to get the reward. My reward my life, a safe house, clothes to wear, and food to eat. The same reward as the livestock on the farm really.

There was such a double standard for women. There I was working along side these grown men, who actually paid attention to me (more of that later) the same men where I would have to feed later that day. I had to make sure they got the food before I did. I knew it wasn’t fair but I was merely a child. I had no voice and when I tried to use it, I would always be overpowered but someone stronger than me. Here I was a girl working hard but I could not smell bad. I could not burp, and not fart. I had to be quick in the bathroom so the men could go.

All this fucking time I have felt I had to be strong. I wanted to have power and I have constantly tried to convince others of that. I have created multiple businesses attempting to gain some sort of power but all of it is coming from an external source.

Getting an apology from my family on how I was raised will not do anything and I don’t feel that they should. We can only ever do what we can with what we know at the time.

I have been this desperate child who keeps getting older seeking for someone to love me enough so  I can finally stop being sad. 

Feeling really emotional

Let’s see…

Our bodies are Nature

“No matter what has happened in your life,you have the power to change what that experience means to you and thus change your experience, both emotionally and physically. Therein lies your power to heal.”
Christiane Northrup, M.D.

http://www.drnorthrup.com/wisdom-of-menopause/

You MATTER and the World needs YOU!

She never really wanted me, she was a teen when she found out she was pregnant with me. So like any teenager, you’re scared, you feel like you’re alone, and that all your dreams are over. You finally have someone/something to blame for things not going your way.

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