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The title on this one is one that I hope to be true by the time I am done writing this.

I really don’t fucking feel very fabulous right now. In fact I am border line feeling like shit. Other than I just I put on a jacket that use to be too tight to wear and it fits me pretty good. I put on the jacket to go out and get something to eat to help soothe my feelings. Cause my feelings have got me a little down.

I slept good last night so according to most advice I’ve received over the years I should be in a better mood because every time I was in a bad mood, they would tell me to go sleep it off and you’ll feel better. Yes, generally that great wisdom would come from a man in my life that was completely disconnected from their own feelings. Them going to sleep work for them because when they woke up they would of completely forgot about the problem all together.

However I am not a man. No matter how hard I’ve tried to be one.

You see I had to be one or I thought I had to be one to seen by my father because his love was one I craved from the most. I saw him give it away to others but never to me. I saw him give to people who needed help, he has such a big heart therefore I became someone who also needed help. But that wasn’t enough either because according to him I should be able to figure it out on my own. What a contradiction. In addition to that one, I worked daily beside men on a farm and in some cases outworked them. I remember being overlooked for everything. I had to put the work in but never seemed to get the reward. My reward my life, a safe house, clothes to wear, and food to eat. The same reward as the livestock on the farm really.

There was such a double standard for women. There I was working along side these grown men, who actually paid attention to me (more of that later) the same men where I would have to feed later that day. I had to make sure they got the food before I did. I knew it wasn’t fair but I was merely a child. I had no voice and when I tried to use it, I would always be overpowered but someone stronger than me. Here I was a girl working hard but I could not smell bad. I could not burp, and not fart. I had to be quick in the bathroom so the men could go.

All this fucking time I have felt I had to be strong. I wanted to have power and I have constantly tried to convince others of that. I have created multiple businesses attempting to gain some sort of power but all of it is coming from an external source.

Getting an apology from my family on how I was raised will not do anything and I don’t feel that they should. We can only ever do what we can with what we know at the time.

I have been this desperate child who keeps getting older seeking for someone to love me enough so  I can finally stop being sad. 

Feeling really emotional

Let’s see…

“Care about what other people think and you will always be their prisoner” – Lao Tzu

It is so true. It has taken me most of my life so far to even be able to fully understand it. I have been searching and using everyone else in my life as an excuse for not being able to understand it and not being able to fully understand the need for my own self care towards myself. I have always looked to others to fill my cup. I have looked to others to make me happy. No wonder I hadn’t been in any good relationships. Well maybe just one, but he was a strong character and honestly, I would now call him a good sales person. He sold me on everything…until my heart got broke. I now realize  that it was just what I needed and today I am grateful for it all.  The other relationship, I would have to say, saved my soul in so many ways, is my child, my only son. He saved me from myself in so many ways, not sure if I even understand fully just yet how much. He’s my biggest blessing to date. He allowed me feel real love, to be able to give unconditional love. Read more

You are where you are in your life due to the choices you’ve made. You always have a choice. You have the choice on how to react to any situation. How do you live within yourself in the now?

Personal power is how you live within yourself.

We are all more alike than different. We are all being humans together. Read more