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I enjoy meeting lots of people and learning something new. it’s not my perfect way of spending my day, but it’ll come. As long as I keep my eye on the prize and stay prepared, when the opportunity comes I’ll be ready.

I really need to be more discipline when it comes to writing my book. I am a little overwhelmed when it comes to editing it. There seems to be a lot and I don’t want to make a mistake. I know that is all in my head but it’s one of my fears I am trying to face. I really need to face it head on. Lord help me.

I want to share my stories with so many other people. I understand others and can help them get through the tough challenges they are facing. You are never alone.

So how come when it comes to trying to help someone else go through their struggles I can be all there is to be. But when it comes to helping myself I feel like I am alone??? Seriously.

Last night I broke down a barrier a bit with my man and I shared how I was feeling and what I really wanted from him. But considering I had to ask  for it meant I didn’t want it right then. Because I had to ask and tell him what to do. I want to be with someone who knows what to do. How to give themselves to me. I know that really sounds selfish and it is. but why shouldn’t I be with someone who is selfless. There is taking care of yourself and then there is only taking care of yourself.

I am trying to find the balance for myself, because most of my life I’ve only been giving myself away to others and now it’s time to give back to myself. To fill my own cup.

When I’m down, who do I have to turn to for support? Do we ever really need anyone? I think so. I believe we need to reach out to others for that outside support. We are after all humans who require other human contact. In what form? I’m not too sure.

So we surround ourselves with those who are capable or not to fill this requirement. I’ve managed to eliminate everyone around me. I have managed to surround myself with no one. Nothing has really changed over the years. Before I was around others but they did not have my best interest at heart and didn’t know what I needed therefore we unable to give me anything. other than heartache. Now I’ve removed myself from these people and have only one person; my man and he’s unable to do it either. Am I asking too much for someone to love me? Am I really sending out all these mixed signals to him? Or is it that he’s not capable of giving me what I really want. I have explained it in great detail and he says he believes me and totally understands but when he needs something it’s as if he totally forgets everything that has ever been discussed up to that point. i am the nagging wife…..something I never ever wanted to be a part of. I never wanted to be. How did I get here? Why do I have to be the one who constantly reminds him of what I said yesterday, last week, last month, last year……. why?

I am really talking myself out of this fantasy I’ve created so delicately. How can this happen to me again? Or is it just my mind  playing tricks on me?  How do you know when you’re with that ‘perfect’ someone? Can you ever know for sure? I think it all comes down to feelings. The passion you have for this person, the way they make you feel. It has to be like that. Now I don’t believe you have this feeling all time, or do you? I am really struggling with this. I have so much to give. Maybe that’s it too, when you want to keep on giving even when it gets rough and you really are struggling but you still want to give. Is that the answer? How long do you keep this up however if it’s never being returned? 

Good Morning!

Here I am sitting at the desk, while my whole house shakes more like vibrating but nonetheless it is rather unsettling to say the least. The reason for it is due to some construction going on up the street, but I believe it’s even more than that. I believe it is trying to tell me something about myself, I need to shake things up and because I haven’t really been able to the world is going to do it for me.

Last night we went out for a walk around town and found a few more beautiful spots to enjoy mother nature and the heaven we currently live in and among… we chatted about the book I had been reading and finished yesterday as well Peace from broken Pieces by Iyanla Vanzant and my own experiences and some of my writing from yesterday. Really i think I just counsel myself and give myself advice as if I was at the therapist office. Sometimes I don’t think he’s really listening to me. Not sure if it’s intentional or just by habit, of course I find it rather annoying but I love him anyways and he has his own stuff to deal with.

Anyhow I talked my way into the best advice ever and somehow it all made perfect sense and there was no fear. … I am just doing it plain and simple. I’m not waiting, I’m not asking anymore questions about it, I’m not creating this mound of excuses for why I can’t or shouldn’t live my life as I’ve always dreamed of doing. Everything just seemed so clear and I wasn’t afraid.

I am just going to start by talking with people. I already know how to do that and love doing it. I love to entertain so I could even have a few over to the house. It’s because of all my pain and experiences that I can relate to so many people, I’ve always known this and understood that purpose but have been too scared to really pursue it. Well not anymore. I am the leader I’ve always wanted to be. I am!

Only I can be all of these things I want to be. Up until this very moment I thought I had to wait for someone else to tell me what I could do or not do…. I know crazy but it’s a pattern I learned very early on. Or I also thought up to this moment that I had to learn someone else’s and if I did learn their love & passion for it then they would love me. I tell ya I’ve spent a lot of time doing things I really wasn’t very interested in but when you don’t know any better you can’t do any better.

Now there’s’ nothing wrong with learning new things if you truly have a desire for it in the first place. It is all about your intention.

So I am excited to say that I have finally figured out a really big piece of my puzzle, I can create the life I want and or always wanted by just doing it. A big smile comes over my face.

So here we go, I want to be happy and peaceful living a serene life. this is my wish & prayer for everyone else in the world as well.

I wish to be healthy, love being active and eating well. Enjoying the freshness that the world has to offer us. What a blessing we have, through the great divine – sunshine, water we have a bountiful amount of food to choose from. These are the foods I want to enjoy and savour. Being active even living outside and being aware. Love it.

I want to share this.

I want to be my best and that includes feeling good about how I look. Washing my face, brushing my teeth….I know it sounds really odd that this needs to be included but it does. I wasn’t raised with personal hygiene being a top priority. I learned I had to put myself last…

Interesting moment here right now, I believe I’ve been waiting for someone to put me at their top priority…..yes that’s it. As I felt like I didn’t matter a whole lot growing up, I searched in a lot of wrong places for others to treat me like their number one, because I couldn’t do it myself. If at any time I would have done that it would have been really frowned upon and it was made to look like I was showing up. Which was never a good thing either.

Now being an adult I can make these decisions for myself and not have to worry anymore on who is pleased or not. I like that freedom.

Other things I wish to accomplish now with my new found spirit is I want to share my story in anyway possible. I love to share the words with feelings and hopefully learn something new or just in a different way. I wish to travel, which will probably mean I will have to become a little more comfortable with flying and maybe even alone. nodding my head on the inside… I also want to teach, I want to teach life….. I know that sounds really odd, but there’s really other way to describe it. I want to teach others how to be comfortable with who they are and who they wish to be. Or another way of putting it would be becoming more of who they really are. Opening up the awareness, shedding some light onto it and walking through the darkness. We don’t have to be alone. I can be that friend that holds your hand, I can be that one who shows you how to cook, how to decorate, what to eat, or just having someone to vent your frustrations to. for so long in my life I’ve felt totally alone and that I was the only one who was going through this or that. When in fact there’s millions of us who are going through the same thing and would have loved for someone to be there saying you can do it and I’ll be right here with you to help you if you need it. What freedom that would be.

You need to go through the pain in order to give it away. If you try to avoid and go around it it’ll just keep coming back in another form until you get it. Just go through it. Their life is none of your business it’s God’s not yours.                         

To give someone the gift of leaving.. wow what a concept.

I have been writing this morning about those who left me.

Those in my life whom I never wanted to go and yet they left me. The great pain they caused and how different my life would have been if they stayed. All this time I have viewed it as something negative and extremely hurtful to me. For many of them I had no control (which I never do but sometimes I think do) on them staying and not for the lack of me trying.

I have always had this fear of being alone and thought it was a form of punishment that they left me but today I view it as the best gift ever.

For me I believe they all love me in a way I could not understand until now. They left me in the only way I could understand at the time. More than likely in pain and anger because that is where I was at the time. But they all knew something that I didn’t, they knew I would been all this space and so called alone time to actually figure this out (kind of).

I need all this space because of the span of my wings. They believed in me when I didn’t.

I am actually moved to tears in this moment writing this because I can truly see this as the best gift ever. 

They also believed that I was strong enough to be alone and that I would recover. They new my strength when I was only doubting it but they help me prove that I could handle it.

They somehow knew that they would weigh me down.. they all knew this. They knew I needed to fly.

Up to this very moment I had thought they all hurt me and although at the time it did cause me some pain. (OK maybe a LOT) but I did survive and went onto thrive even just a little.

Look where I am. (currently 2017 living in Ottawa in the south end in my today dream house)

I have no distractions and unlimited space and the means to create anything I desire. I am supported by the world and beyond.

Those who are “different” are only expanding the Universe which is always happening but it is those who seem to be different than the rest who are examples of what is possible. We are the manifested dreams from those who came before us. 

We are left alone to expand our wings and to fly above and soar into the unknown. The people who leave us do so out of love as they know deep down that we are more and that more space is required. You see we don’t fit into this world they are living in. We sense it early on and in most cases it causes a riff in the small society we are a part of. We are different right off the bat, early in our life. Our loved ones really don’t know what to do with us, although they do their best.

I feel so blessed to be able to understand this today. I feel so honoured to be chosen to left alone for so alone. It has allowed me to connect to even more than I ever could of imagined.

Are we meant to be alone came to my thoughts? Can this be true? Could it be that what I am experiencing is what many are searching for? I have had the thought that anyone who is alone completely alone like a monk or nun who has no contact with the outside world and or who are silent are not really serving. I actually think it’s selfish to do this or that is what I had thought.

We are all beacons of light who are serving something beyond ourselves because we are only a piece of it all.

Actually I still think that..because doing the service alone only serves who? Yourself. Unless it actually allows you to discover your purpose of the being you are. So difficult to explain.

It has taken me all this time and for the rest of my life to be the example. To go beyond the expectations of this life…to spread my wings…. to soar and expand the Universe.

I have always written and it has been challenging at times but it has been my path to see this is who I am and so much more. It has allowed to me to find the Universe inside of me..that I am the Universe. That we all are. Each one of us is our own universe and each one of us is connected beyond that.

Words and being able to express them is just one small reason why I am here.

I thought it had to be something bigger like they wanted me to be but I would not stand out .. I would have just blended in and not been seen at all. Samething would of happened if those who left me would have stayed..I would of just blended in.

I love people who leave me now. Wow.

Once I got what other people are doing out of my head I could actually find my own way.

Here we go.

Creating a plan or following the flow?

I have been feeling lost in a sense…not to drastic just feeling lost maybe or unfulfilled. Which really makes me not feel good, for a few reasons.
One I know I shouldn’t be feeling this way.
Two I sense I have been suckered into the plan set out from society. “They” want me to be something else.
How many of you have heard this, go to school and do well and get yourself a good job, marry well and find a house, have a few kids and maybe some day you’ll be able to retire to enjoy life.


Well I’m sorry but life is pretty much over by the time that happens.
As I’ve said before the word retirement is simply your reward system for working towards someone else’s dream.
I really believe in something more. I believe we can follow our own dreams and be happy on a regular basis and not just when we stop working. What if we were happy every day?
I know such a foreign concept, right?

Anyways today my husband and I actually sat down and made a list of things that feel good to us. OK, being real…I made the list and resisted until I talked him down. We both have done enough self education into ourselves that we do know what feels right and what doesn’t?
So I made this list of things that we both feel good about, here’s our list:

simplicity
finding a deal
very few bills
few responsibilities
like to travel
access to nature
road trips
being in a resourceful kitchen
healthy food
access to a gym in our home
building things
solving things
creating things
natural light
simple maintenance with our home
helping people
encouraging people
minimalist
recycle and composting
being efficient

I believe if you know your likes, and follow them because let’s face it; it feels good to be and do what you like. Once you follow your likes they will lead you to your wants.

For a very long time I have chased my wants while ignoring my likes…and it hasn’t really worked out too good. I end up getting what I want but it doesn’t make me happy, because I didn’t go it with what I liked.

Anyways after we talked down my husband’s ego because he completely defended how we are currently leaving. (because most of it really isn’t supporting our above list) But once that happened we were able to really look at the list with honesty. It’s not about putting anyone down, it really about telling the truth and that feels really good. It feels lighter.

Once you’re able to really live in your truth of what you really like, then your wants will not only show up but you’ll feel better about them too. Give it a go.

I have read a story/post about a group wanting prayers from a community for a woman who just found out that her husband has been cheating on her and that he didn’t love her anymore. Okay, granted it sucks… really bad. I’ve been there myself. Let’s be real, it’s hurts like hell.

Yes it happens, it happens more than we think. Most of us are too scared to really share it to to many for fear we look like failures. We only tell certain people, the ones who will give us what we need. For example if you’re seeking out sympathy, you would not go to a friend who is always strong and doesn’t need a man in her life to make it complete. That person would not fill that need. Instead you go to someone who will share your emotions and feed you the sympathy you’re seeking. Because really when you’re feeling down do you really want to be told to suck it up? Read more