Posts

Good Morning Everyone.

Here I am here at the kitchen with my lap top  and a coffee and my man here with me. Things seem to be a little better, I think we are both present and aware. At least that is what I’m hoping for.

I am sore a fair bit from ……..well probably from being out of shape. I am working on changing this and that’s why I’m sore. I am walking more and more and working-which consists of me being on my feet for hours and then I’m doing yoga. Which all is good for me but it’s really different for me for now. It’ll get better the more I do it. I love how the body responds so easily.

I have to work later on today. I really do like working there. It’s such a good fit for me. I keep it moving.

Today just seems like one of those days when I can’t really pick a topic to talk about on here.

Outside it is foggy, very heavy… I can only see the houses across the street and no further. Not sure if it’s only here in town or everywhere just because we’re so close to the water. it’s a day where you put on soft music and light a few candles..maybe a little house keeping and stay warm. There’s a change in the weather coming. I can feel it. .All change is good, it’s not something to fear it’s something to embrace. And this I do. I love change. Even that that  I do not have control over I believe I do adapt fairly well with it. I love changing locations, this is why I move a lot. I like to have different experiences and meet new people. I am finally in a place where I feel like I could belong. There are so many others here who really enjoy life and see it for it can be and do it. I love that. Last night in fact we went over to a neighbours near us here and they rent out used ski equipment.. how brilliant. she’s been doing it for years and she enjoys it. We were able to outfit 4 people for under 150 dollars and it’s not really old stuff either.

I cannot seem to stay focused on anything right now. Arg.

Back again and this time I’m on the floor after finishing my meditation practise for today. Although I may do another one later on. 

The affirmation is I Expect and accept abundance to flow freely to me today. I really love it. this meditation was very powerful for me.. I could feel and see waves of light coming to me. I could feel my power. It is very powerful. I now that might sound strange to some but some of you might get it. I understand to be true that we all have great powers within us and life is all about trying to peel back all the baggage we’ve been carrying around thinking we need it for this thing called life when in fact we already have it. It’s just been buried so deep. You life is about pulling it back and see what is really. It’s all beautiful. even the stuff we think is ugly and no one would want. But that’s not true, you born this way and somewhere really soon there’s someone out there who really needs you to be just like. And chances are they’re closer than you think. The need to see you be the real you, being just who you were born to be. This will help them to peel back their layers that they are so scared and terrified of doing in order to be their true self. There’s a cycle of life and it’s more about being authentic to ourselves and exploring who we are,learning as much as possible about who we are. To me this sounds exciting to others probably fearful of removing the coat of excuses you’ve picked out oh so carefully and have been wearing ever since. I am shedding my coat of excuses and putting nothing  else on. I know I have been given free will and I plan on using it more and more for me.  I have really big dreams and I know they are on their way.. I am preparing for when they arrive. It’s not a matter of whether they do or not it’s just a matter of timing. Now I’m not sitting around waiting for them to happen either. This is why we need to prepare. it’s a blessing to not have it arrive when we think it should. You actually maybe being protected by having it not happen right now. Perhaps it’s because there’s a storm ahead and you’re meant to sit back and wait it out in safety. Or maybe it’s because there’s an even bigger dream coming your way that you’re meant to be doing. All this preparation is paying off in ten folds and beyond. You cannot even imagine what dreams you may be able to live out… Just be open to them when they arrive. Because it’s in your thoughts is simply because you’re suppose to have them and it’s on it’s way. Be ready. Learn to remove fear… 

wow, now that’s a good start to a blog for today. Namaste.

The title on this one is one that I hope to be true by the time I am done writing this.

I really don’t fucking feel very fabulous right now. In fact I am border line feeling like shit. Other than I just I put on a jacket that use to be too tight to wear and it fits me pretty good. I put on the jacket to go out and get something to eat to help soothe my feelings. Cause my feelings have got me a little down.

I slept good last night so according to most advice I’ve received over the years I should be in a better mood because every time I was in a bad mood, they would tell me to go sleep it off and you’ll feel better. Yes, generally that great wisdom would come from a man in my life that was completely disconnected from their own feelings. Them going to sleep work for them because when they woke up they would of completely forgot about the problem all together.

However I am not a man. No matter how hard I’ve tried to be one.

You see I had to be one or I thought I had to be one to seen by my father because his love was one I craved from the most. I saw him give it away to others but never to me. I saw him give to people who needed help, he has such a big heart therefore I became someone who also needed help. But that wasn’t enough either because according to him I should be able to figure it out on my own. What a contradiction. In addition to that one, I worked daily beside men on a farm and in some cases outworked them. I remember being overlooked for everything. I had to put the work in but never seemed to get the reward. My reward my life, a safe house, clothes to wear, and food to eat. The same reward as the livestock on the farm really.

There was such a double standard for women. There I was working along side these grown men, who actually paid attention to me (more of that later) the same men where I would have to feed later that day. I had to make sure they got the food before I did. I knew it wasn’t fair but I was merely a child. I had no voice and when I tried to use it, I would always be overpowered but someone stronger than me. Here I was a girl working hard but I could not smell bad. I could not burp, and not fart. I had to be quick in the bathroom so the men could go.

All this fucking time I have felt I had to be strong. I wanted to have power and I have constantly tried to convince others of that. I have created multiple businesses attempting to gain some sort of power but all of it is coming from an external source.

Getting an apology from my family on how I was raised will not do anything and I don’t feel that they should. We can only ever do what we can with what we know at the time.

I have been this desperate child who keeps getting older seeking for someone to love me enough so  I can finally stop being sad. 

Feeling really emotional

Let’s see…

How you live out your life is just an extension of your feelings.  How you create others in the world, up close in person or even those around the world.  Even the ones you’ll never meet but have a conversation about. How you talk about these people says a lot of how you’re feeling towards your life.  How you treat yourself is another way of showing your feelings and emotions out to the world without words.  How you eat and move through out the day. The things you choose to do with intention or without.  Do you fill your time with things that need to be done and complain along the way or do you sing a song and enjoy the task until it’s complete?  Do you make sure you are doing your best while doing it? Should it really matter whether or not you like doing it?  No, not really! There are things in life that just truly need to be done and we should embrace that we’re able to do these tasks and be our best.  Consider it a blessing.  Do you fill your down time with things that bring you more joy?  Do you even believe that you’re allowed to have joy in your life?

Related image

As a society, we convince ourselves that we can’t be happy because we don’t have what ‘they’ have therefore we cannot be happy.  We are told that happiness is inside a thing once you have it.  Like a magic genie bottle or something.  This is why when we want to feel happy and proud we can’t.  There’s a feeling inside that wants to come up and shine out through our smile and our eyes but there’s something else trying to stop it all cost. Where could that thing come from? That thing that would not want us to happy?  It’s the world.  We have come up with this idea for marketing that we have to have it in order to fully happy.  Then, once we have it and the felling isn’t there like you were promised then there’s another new thing out already that tells you you need to have the upgrade like everyone else.  You see the commercial with perfectly fit bodies with beautiful people surrounding them and all of them are having fun.  The mind gets convinced that it is truly happy and of course you want to be too, after all you deserve to be happy too. So, out you go to purchase it and it just keeps going on and on.

For me now, I am not buying any stuff and yet I still feel happy and blessed.  I am grateful for all I have in my life, good and not so good.  There is still a part of me who wants to yell and say “You don’t deserve it!” “You haven’t gotten anything like those commercials said you need”. It tries to convince me that it’s not real. Oh the trickery of the mind. I am happy and feel blessed without all the stuff.  My wish is that for more of us realize this and enjoy all that life has to offer and not the stuff.