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This month we are talking all things money. Where does it really go and how in the hell do we get more of? What is a budget and how to put things together. Also we’ll talk about the tough stuff. How do get out of debt and is filing for bankruptcy the only option. What happens after you do file.

It’s a new year and what better time than now to get your life back in order. Or is this really going to be the first time you will finally tell your money what to do instead of it just disappearing.
Too often we don’t know what our money is doing or where it goes. We just hold our breath until the next paycheck. But with employments options these days there’s nothing really secure even about that. Our jobs are not as secure as they use to be and things move pretty fast.

I have had plenty of money, saving, an emergency fund, investments and debt free but I have also been down and out where I was on government assistance and living off of hope and fear. Not able to purchase any gifts for Christmas. I’ve had to return items back to the bank because I wasn’t able to make my payments.

As with most things in life that seem to be embarrassing, we hide. We think we are the only one who is going through it. We think our problems will last forever, and then when we do get something good coming our way we feel fear that it may not last. It’s true nothing lasts forever but we can look in the right direction, we can set ourselves to succeed. We can set ourselves up to thrive and when we do fall down, learn from it and not allow it to destroy you. You don’t have to start all over, but you do have to start right from where you are.

Don’t be hard on yourself, together we can help one another. You are never alone. Money is important but there are more important things in life too.

I am not my past, I am not the little girl who cannot speak her mind, I am not that little girl who is scared to make someone upset by just being me.I am a grown woman, the woman I always wanted to be, the one I would dream about wishing I could be with a snap of my fingers. Well my wish is here.

If I were to go back to that place and be around those people who aren’t there for me now nor were they there for me before. It would slowly kill me again..  I am here in a much better place and I love me. I have never really said that before and meant it. But it feels good and I believe it.

I can honestly say right now that I am letting go of what there was in my past and I am opening myself up to the possibilities I have right here right now. I know I am able of great things. I’ve always known it but now I can actually see it coming true.

Remembering gratitude when you feel bad. 

In my heart of hearts I believe my son knows this as well. I know he desperately wants something better for himself, but he has to prove it to himself in his own way. I tried to protect him so much but making stronger and to believe in himself. We had to. I didn’t know any better. Today I do and I am working on me.

I have a loving man in my life, who didn’t go through the pain that I had went through, thankfully because really i wouldn’t wish that onto anyone. He supports me in the best way he can and he’s really good at it. I am blessed.

I have a healthy happy son who is learning to be really independent, just like I had taught him. Although I really wanted to be a bigger part of his life, I have to learn to trust what I taught him is serving him well. We are both learning more about ourselves these days. That’s why we are like this.

I have also 2 smaller children that are a big part of my life, what a blessing to be able to pass on the lesson’s I’ve learned so far. My husbands family shows love the way I had thought I had wanted, but nothing is perfect, so I am accepting what I am given as far as love goes. Blessings.

I know I’ve been living in my past fears on this pity train. I wanted people to love me for everything I’ve been through. I wanted others to be proud of the things I’ve overcome and being able to smile in the light of day. it’s been a struggle yes that’s for sure. But for those of us who truely overcome difficult times are those who do not dwell on it and sit in the soiled mess that was created when you didn’t know any better. When you were a baby you sat in your soiled diapers, not knowing that’s what you were doing, soon though you discovered it was uncomfortable and not enjoyable at all. You learned to get out of it and move on. You didn’t sit in it nor did you go on and on about how you use to sit in it and want others around you to feel sorry for you and say what a great joy you did.. You just did it.  I know not the best description for this but it really drives home the point. I am done with sitting in a mess and wanting others to experience the pain of being in such a mess. I am ready to put on my girl panties and be me the best I am.

Wow what a difference a few hours make, I am feeling tears trying to come up, not tears of pain, or sorrow but tears of joy. when the lows are low for me the high gets a little higher. I love it. Thank you. I can smile with gratitude in my heart and joy lurking around the corner. yippee. 

I am not my used diaper anymore. …yeah I ‘ll have to work on that one. It just doesn’t sound quite right.

When you think about it I’m really not that little girl anymore and I am really happy to have finally discover this. thank you.

Good Morning!

Here I am sitting at the desk, while my whole house shakes more like vibrating but nonetheless it is rather unsettling to say the least. The reason for it is due to some construction going on up the street, but I believe it’s even more than that. I believe it is trying to tell me something about myself, I need to shake things up and because I haven’t really been able to the world is going to do it for me.

Last night we went out for a walk around town and found a few more beautiful spots to enjoy mother nature and the heaven we currently live in and among… we chatted about the book I had been reading and finished yesterday as well Peace from broken Pieces by Iyanla Vanzant and my own experiences and some of my writing from yesterday. Really i think I just counsel myself and give myself advice as if I was at the therapist office. Sometimes I don’t think he’s really listening to me. Not sure if it’s intentional or just by habit, of course I find it rather annoying but I love him anyways and he has his own stuff to deal with.

Anyhow I talked my way into the best advice ever and somehow it all made perfect sense and there was no fear. … I am just doing it plain and simple. I’m not waiting, I’m not asking anymore questions about it, I’m not creating this mound of excuses for why I can’t or shouldn’t live my life as I’ve always dreamed of doing. Everything just seemed so clear and I wasn’t afraid.

I am just going to start by talking with people. I already know how to do that and love doing it. I love to entertain so I could even have a few over to the house. It’s because of all my pain and experiences that I can relate to so many people, I’ve always known this and understood that purpose but have been too scared to really pursue it. Well not anymore. I am the leader I’ve always wanted to be. I am!

Only I can be all of these things I want to be. Up until this very moment I thought I had to wait for someone else to tell me what I could do or not do…. I know crazy but it’s a pattern I learned very early on. Or I also thought up to this moment that I had to learn someone else’s and if I did learn their love & passion for it then they would love me. I tell ya I’ve spent a lot of time doing things I really wasn’t very interested in but when you don’t know any better you can’t do any better.

Now there’s’ nothing wrong with learning new things if you truly have a desire for it in the first place. It is all about your intention.

So I am excited to say that I have finally figured out a really big piece of my puzzle, I can create the life I want and or always wanted by just doing it. A big smile comes over my face.

So here we go, I want to be happy and peaceful living a serene life. this is my wish & prayer for everyone else in the world as well.

I wish to be healthy, love being active and eating well. Enjoying the freshness that the world has to offer us. What a blessing we have, through the great divine – sunshine, water we have a bountiful amount of food to choose from. These are the foods I want to enjoy and savour. Being active even living outside and being aware. Love it.

I want to share this.

I want to be my best and that includes feeling good about how I look. Washing my face, brushing my teeth….I know it sounds really odd that this needs to be included but it does. I wasn’t raised with personal hygiene being a top priority. I learned I had to put myself last…

Interesting moment here right now, I believe I’ve been waiting for someone to put me at their top priority…..yes that’s it. As I felt like I didn’t matter a whole lot growing up, I searched in a lot of wrong places for others to treat me like their number one, because I couldn’t do it myself. If at any time I would have done that it would have been really frowned upon and it was made to look like I was showing up. Which was never a good thing either.

Now being an adult I can make these decisions for myself and not have to worry anymore on who is pleased or not. I like that freedom.

Other things I wish to accomplish now with my new found spirit is I want to share my story in anyway possible. I love to share the words with feelings and hopefully learn something new or just in a different way. I wish to travel, which will probably mean I will have to become a little more comfortable with flying and maybe even alone. nodding my head on the inside… I also want to teach, I want to teach life….. I know that sounds really odd, but there’s really other way to describe it. I want to teach others how to be comfortable with who they are and who they wish to be. Or another way of putting it would be becoming more of who they really are. Opening up the awareness, shedding some light onto it and walking through the darkness. We don’t have to be alone. I can be that friend that holds your hand, I can be that one who shows you how to cook, how to decorate, what to eat, or just having someone to vent your frustrations to. for so long in my life I’ve felt totally alone and that I was the only one who was going through this or that. When in fact there’s millions of us who are going through the same thing and would have loved for someone to be there saying you can do it and I’ll be right here with you to help you if you need it. What freedom that would be.

You need to go through the pain in order to give it away. If you try to avoid and go around it it’ll just keep coming back in another form until you get it. Just go through it. Their life is none of your business it’s God’s not yours.                         

I was never allowed to ask questions as a kid. Money was a huge problem in our home growing up. So I paid close attention to everything and to everyone.

I believe this has followed with me into my life as an adult. Money if brought up was always going to be an argument or disagreement or just a full out fight. I never wanted to fight or see anyone else hurt. Hence why I’ve avoided the subject and discussions about money. And possibly even why I don’t have a lot of it around me, to avoid any and all conflict and pain. Money is just a tool and it only magnifies what you are already.