“Care about what other people think and you will always be their prisoner” – Lao Tzu
It is so true. It has taken me most of my life so far to even be able to fully understand it. I have been searching and using everyone else in my life as an excuse for not being able to understand it and not being able to fully understand the need for my own self care towards myself. I have always looked to others to fill my cup. I have looked to others to make me happy. No wonder I hadn’t been in any good relationships. Well maybe just one, but he was a strong character and honestly, I would now call him a good sales person. He sold me on everything…until my heart got broke. I now realize that it was just what I needed and today I am grateful for it all. The other relationship, I would have to say, saved my soul in so many ways, is my child, my only son. He saved me from myself in so many ways, not sure if I even understand fully just yet how much. He’s my biggest blessing to date. He allowed me feel real love, to be able to give unconditional love.
One of the biggest lessons I believe I learned from a having a child is “Do the talk.” What I mean by this is, if you’re going to say it, then you better be doing it. Following through, for sure, is key with raising children. You want them to believe in you and down the road they’ll believe your words. When I say doing the talk what I mean is, if you tell your child you can be anything you want in life, you have better be that example or they’ll find someone else to follow. This, for me, was a huge lesson. I would always tell him that you can do anything, the world is here for you. You can dream bigger than anything you can possibly dream of and go even bigger. Use no excuse, we’ll find a way I can help you.
Please never think that you can’t afford it, there is always a way. The world is here on a platter for you. But all the while I was saying these things and truly meaning them with such love and heart filled space, I was working in jobs that didn’t make me too happy and in which took me away from him. It seemed I could still never afford much that we needed…or wanted. Many times Christmas was empty, I was always so sad inside because I couldn’t give him what I thought we deserved. What I had really wanted to give him. I wanted to give him the whole deal, a happy family and music, love and laughter. A warm house filled with all of this.
Instead, I would be upset inside and depressed because I couldn’t give him a present and I was made to feel like he was better off in other houses where they all have this stuff. At the time, I knew it really wasn’t about money, but really hard to express this to a child let alone myself. I didn’t understand any of it at the time. I fully understand you do not need money to enjoy a day let a lone a holiday. But I let my pride, ego and whatever else felt the need to self torture take over and be the center of attention. It all became stressful.
I guess it still brings up some of my stuff every Christmas season. With each passing day, I am reminded of what it could have been instead of what it is. I so wish for all of us to be together this Christmas and well everyday. Love knows no boundaries.
Here I am working towards living out my life as my dream. Not in an irresponsible way or anything but in an honest way. I am living my life as an example. I have dreams for myself and my child, I wish for things to come true. I have learned because I can think of these things that they are meant to happen. If I were to write down a “perfect” day, it would read like my current life almost daily and it’s getting better and better. It has taken me this long to decide how I want to live out this life for me. I have been trying to do it for everyone else in my life. Then once that was done, (almost like my chores) only once it was done then I could try to do my own. Well I’ve learned I do not have to wait and try to please others. I am here with my own soul and my own heart and mind. When I am able to do what I love to do in my “perfect” day, then I am happy and it spills out onto others who are also around me. Which helps them to be living out their life as an example. I believe that our sole purpose in life is to figure out our “perfect” day and live it out. To use our life as an example for the rest.
You will always be tested, and it will change what you want to do and you will experience some sadness and setbacks. Those are your tests to see if you really want it or not. To see how much you can handle. this makes us stronger. However, you will also experience more joy than you ever thought was possible. it will spill out through all aspects of your life.