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I enjoy meeting lots of people and learning something new. it’s not my perfect way of spending my day, but it’ll come. As long as I keep my eye on the prize and stay prepared, when the opportunity comes I’ll be ready.

I really need to be more discipline when it comes to writing my book. I am a little overwhelmed when it comes to editing it. There seems to be a lot and I don’t want to make a mistake. I know that is all in my head but it’s one of my fears I am trying to face. I really need to face it head on. Lord help me.

I want to share my stories with so many other people. I understand others and can help them get through the tough challenges they are facing. You are never alone.

So how come when it comes to trying to help someone else go through their struggles I can be all there is to be. But when it comes to helping myself I feel like I am alone??? Seriously.

Last night I broke down a barrier a bit with my man and I shared how I was feeling and what I really wanted from him. But considering I had to ask  for it meant I didn’t want it right then. Because I had to ask and tell him what to do. I want to be with someone who knows what to do. How to give themselves to me. I know that really sounds selfish and it is. but why shouldn’t I be with someone who is selfless. There is taking care of yourself and then there is only taking care of yourself.

I am trying to find the balance for myself, because most of my life I’ve only been giving myself away to others and now it’s time to give back to myself. To fill my own cup.

When I’m down, who do I have to turn to for support? Do we ever really need anyone? I think so. I believe we need to reach out to others for that outside support. We are after all humans who require other human contact. In what form? I’m not too sure.

So we surround ourselves with those who are capable or not to fill this requirement. I’ve managed to eliminate everyone around me. I have managed to surround myself with no one. Nothing has really changed over the years. Before I was around others but they did not have my best interest at heart and didn’t know what I needed therefore we unable to give me anything. other than heartache. Now I’ve removed myself from these people and have only one person; my man and he’s unable to do it either. Am I asking too much for someone to love me? Am I really sending out all these mixed signals to him? Or is it that he’s not capable of giving me what I really want. I have explained it in great detail and he says he believes me and totally understands but when he needs something it’s as if he totally forgets everything that has ever been discussed up to that point. i am the nagging wife…..something I never ever wanted to be a part of. I never wanted to be. How did I get here? Why do I have to be the one who constantly reminds him of what I said yesterday, last week, last month, last year……. why?

I am really talking myself out of this fantasy I’ve created so delicately. How can this happen to me again? Or is it just my mind  playing tricks on me?  How do you know when you’re with that ‘perfect’ someone? Can you ever know for sure? I think it all comes down to feelings. The passion you have for this person, the way they make you feel. It has to be like that. Now I don’t believe you have this feeling all time, or do you? I am really struggling with this. I have so much to give. Maybe that’s it too, when you want to keep on giving even when it gets rough and you really are struggling but you still want to give. Is that the answer? How long do you keep this up however if it’s never being returned? 

I am not my past, I am not the little girl who cannot speak her mind, I am not that little girl who is scared to make someone upset by just being me.I am a grown woman, the woman I always wanted to be, the one I would dream about wishing I could be with a snap of my fingers. Well my wish is here.

If I were to go back to that place and be around those people who aren’t there for me now nor were they there for me before. It would slowly kill me again..  I am here in a much better place and I love me. I have never really said that before and meant it. But it feels good and I believe it.

I can honestly say right now that I am letting go of what there was in my past and I am opening myself up to the possibilities I have right here right now. I know I am able of great things. I’ve always known it but now I can actually see it coming true.

Remembering gratitude when you feel bad. 

In my heart of hearts I believe my son knows this as well. I know he desperately wants something better for himself, but he has to prove it to himself in his own way. I tried to protect him so much but making stronger and to believe in himself. We had to. I didn’t know any better. Today I do and I am working on me.

I have a loving man in my life, who didn’t go through the pain that I had went through, thankfully because really i wouldn’t wish that onto anyone. He supports me in the best way he can and he’s really good at it. I am blessed.

I have a healthy happy son who is learning to be really independent, just like I had taught him. Although I really wanted to be a bigger part of his life, I have to learn to trust what I taught him is serving him well. We are both learning more about ourselves these days. That’s why we are like this.

I have also 2 smaller children that are a big part of my life, what a blessing to be able to pass on the lesson’s I’ve learned so far. My husbands family shows love the way I had thought I had wanted, but nothing is perfect, so I am accepting what I am given as far as love goes. Blessings.

I know I’ve been living in my past fears on this pity train. I wanted people to love me for everything I’ve been through. I wanted others to be proud of the things I’ve overcome and being able to smile in the light of day. it’s been a struggle yes that’s for sure. But for those of us who truely overcome difficult times are those who do not dwell on it and sit in the soiled mess that was created when you didn’t know any better. When you were a baby you sat in your soiled diapers, not knowing that’s what you were doing, soon though you discovered it was uncomfortable and not enjoyable at all. You learned to get out of it and move on. You didn’t sit in it nor did you go on and on about how you use to sit in it and want others around you to feel sorry for you and say what a great joy you did.. You just did it.  I know not the best description for this but it really drives home the point. I am done with sitting in a mess and wanting others to experience the pain of being in such a mess. I am ready to put on my girl panties and be me the best I am.

Wow what a difference a few hours make, I am feeling tears trying to come up, not tears of pain, or sorrow but tears of joy. when the lows are low for me the high gets a little higher. I love it. Thank you. I can smile with gratitude in my heart and joy lurking around the corner. yippee. 

I am not my used diaper anymore. …yeah I ‘ll have to work on that one. It just doesn’t sound quite right.

When you think about it I’m really not that little girl anymore and I am really happy to have finally discover this. thank you.

Good Morning Everyone.

Here I am here at the kitchen with my lap top  and a coffee and my man here with me. Things seem to be a little better, I think we are both present and aware. At least that is what I’m hoping for.

I am sore a fair bit from ……..well probably from being out of shape. I am working on changing this and that’s why I’m sore. I am walking more and more and working-which consists of me being on my feet for hours and then I’m doing yoga. Which all is good for me but it’s really different for me for now. It’ll get better the more I do it. I love how the body responds so easily.

I have to work later on today. I really do like working there. It’s such a good fit for me. I keep it moving.

Today just seems like one of those days when I can’t really pick a topic to talk about on here.

Outside it is foggy, very heavy… I can only see the houses across the street and no further. Not sure if it’s only here in town or everywhere just because we’re so close to the water. it’s a day where you put on soft music and light a few candles..maybe a little house keeping and stay warm. There’s a change in the weather coming. I can feel it. .All change is good, it’s not something to fear it’s something to embrace. And this I do. I love change. Even that that  I do not have control over I believe I do adapt fairly well with it. I love changing locations, this is why I move a lot. I like to have different experiences and meet new people. I am finally in a place where I feel like I could belong. There are so many others here who really enjoy life and see it for it can be and do it. I love that. Last night in fact we went over to a neighbours near us here and they rent out used ski equipment.. how brilliant. she’s been doing it for years and she enjoys it. We were able to outfit 4 people for under 150 dollars and it’s not really old stuff either.

I cannot seem to stay focused on anything right now. Arg.

Back again and this time I’m on the floor after finishing my meditation practise for today. Although I may do another one later on. 

The affirmation is I Expect and accept abundance to flow freely to me today. I really love it. this meditation was very powerful for me.. I could feel and see waves of light coming to me. I could feel my power. It is very powerful. I now that might sound strange to some but some of you might get it. I understand to be true that we all have great powers within us and life is all about trying to peel back all the baggage we’ve been carrying around thinking we need it for this thing called life when in fact we already have it. It’s just been buried so deep. You life is about pulling it back and see what is really. It’s all beautiful. even the stuff we think is ugly and no one would want. But that’s not true, you born this way and somewhere really soon there’s someone out there who really needs you to be just like. And chances are they’re closer than you think. The need to see you be the real you, being just who you were born to be. This will help them to peel back their layers that they are so scared and terrified of doing in order to be their true self. There’s a cycle of life and it’s more about being authentic to ourselves and exploring who we are,learning as much as possible about who we are. To me this sounds exciting to others probably fearful of removing the coat of excuses you’ve picked out oh so carefully and have been wearing ever since. I am shedding my coat of excuses and putting nothing  else on. I know I have been given free will and I plan on using it more and more for me.  I have really big dreams and I know they are on their way.. I am preparing for when they arrive. It’s not a matter of whether they do or not it’s just a matter of timing. Now I’m not sitting around waiting for them to happen either. This is why we need to prepare. it’s a blessing to not have it arrive when we think it should. You actually maybe being protected by having it not happen right now. Perhaps it’s because there’s a storm ahead and you’re meant to sit back and wait it out in safety. Or maybe it’s because there’s an even bigger dream coming your way that you’re meant to be doing. All this preparation is paying off in ten folds and beyond. You cannot even imagine what dreams you may be able to live out… Just be open to them when they arrive. Because it’s in your thoughts is simply because you’re suppose to have them and it’s on it’s way. Be ready. Learn to remove fear… 

wow, now that’s a good start to a blog for today. Namaste.