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Good Morning!

Here I am sitting at the desk, while my whole house shakes more like vibrating but nonetheless it is rather unsettling to say the least. The reason for it is due to some construction going on up the street, but I believe it’s even more than that. I believe it is trying to tell me something about myself, I need to shake things up and because I haven’t really been able to the world is going to do it for me.

Last night we went out for a walk around town and found a few more beautiful spots to enjoy mother nature and the heaven we currently live in and among… we chatted about the book I had been reading and finished yesterday as well Peace from broken Pieces by Iyanla Vanzant and my own experiences and some of my writing from yesterday. Really i think I just counsel myself and give myself advice as if I was at the therapist office. Sometimes I don’t think he’s really listening to me. Not sure if it’s intentional or just by habit, of course I find it rather annoying but I love him anyways and he has his own stuff to deal with.

Anyhow I talked my way into the best advice ever and somehow it all made perfect sense and there was no fear. … I am just doing it plain and simple. I’m not waiting, I’m not asking anymore questions about it, I’m not creating this mound of excuses for why I can’t or shouldn’t live my life as I’ve always dreamed of doing. Everything just seemed so clear and I wasn’t afraid.

I am just going to start by talking with people. I already know how to do that and love doing it. I love to entertain so I could even have a few over to the house. It’s because of all my pain and experiences that I can relate to so many people, I’ve always known this and understood that purpose but have been too scared to really pursue it. Well not anymore. I am the leader I’ve always wanted to be. I am!

Only I can be all of these things I want to be. Up until this very moment I thought I had to wait for someone else to tell me what I could do or not do…. I know crazy but it’s a pattern I learned very early on. Or I also thought up to this moment that I had to learn someone else’s and if I did learn their love & passion for it then they would love me. I tell ya I’ve spent a lot of time doing things I really wasn’t very interested in but when you don’t know any better you can’t do any better.

Now there’s’ nothing wrong with learning new things if you truly have a desire for it in the first place. It is all about your intention.

So I am excited to say that I have finally figured out a really big piece of my puzzle, I can create the life I want and or always wanted by just doing it. A big smile comes over my face.

So here we go, I want to be happy and peaceful living a serene life. this is my wish & prayer for everyone else in the world as well.

I wish to be healthy, love being active and eating well. Enjoying the freshness that the world has to offer us. What a blessing we have, through the great divine – sunshine, water we have a bountiful amount of food to choose from. These are the foods I want to enjoy and savour. Being active even living outside and being aware. Love it.

I want to share this.

I want to be my best and that includes feeling good about how I look. Washing my face, brushing my teeth….I know it sounds really odd that this needs to be included but it does. I wasn’t raised with personal hygiene being a top priority. I learned I had to put myself last…

Interesting moment here right now, I believe I’ve been waiting for someone to put me at their top priority…..yes that’s it. As I felt like I didn’t matter a whole lot growing up, I searched in a lot of wrong places for others to treat me like their number one, because I couldn’t do it myself. If at any time I would have done that it would have been really frowned upon and it was made to look like I was showing up. Which was never a good thing either.

Now being an adult I can make these decisions for myself and not have to worry anymore on who is pleased or not. I like that freedom.

Other things I wish to accomplish now with my new found spirit is I want to share my story in anyway possible. I love to share the words with feelings and hopefully learn something new or just in a different way. I wish to travel, which will probably mean I will have to become a little more comfortable with flying and maybe even alone. nodding my head on the inside… I also want to teach, I want to teach life….. I know that sounds really odd, but there’s really other way to describe it. I want to teach others how to be comfortable with who they are and who they wish to be. Or another way of putting it would be becoming more of who they really are. Opening up the awareness, shedding some light onto it and walking through the darkness. We don’t have to be alone. I can be that friend that holds your hand, I can be that one who shows you how to cook, how to decorate, what to eat, or just having someone to vent your frustrations to. for so long in my life I’ve felt totally alone and that I was the only one who was going through this or that. When in fact there’s millions of us who are going through the same thing and would have loved for someone to be there saying you can do it and I’ll be right here with you to help you if you need it. What freedom that would be.

You need to go through the pain in order to give it away. If you try to avoid and go around it it’ll just keep coming back in another form until you get it. Just go through it. Their life is none of your business it’s God’s not yours.                         

To give someone the gift of leaving.. wow what a concept.

I have been writing this morning about those who left me.

Those in my life whom I never wanted to go and yet they left me. The great pain they caused and how different my life would have been if they stayed. All this time I have viewed it as something negative and extremely hurtful to me. For many of them I had no control (which I never do but sometimes I think do) on them staying and not for the lack of me trying.

I have always had this fear of being alone and thought it was a form of punishment that they left me but today I view it as the best gift ever.

For me I believe they all love me in a way I could not understand until now. They left me in the only way I could understand at the time. More than likely in pain and anger because that is where I was at the time. But they all knew something that I didn’t, they knew I would been all this space and so called alone time to actually figure this out (kind of).

I need all this space because of the span of my wings. They believed in me when I didn’t.

I am actually moved to tears in this moment writing this because I can truly see this as the best gift ever. 

They also believed that I was strong enough to be alone and that I would recover. They new my strength when I was only doubting it but they help me prove that I could handle it.

They somehow knew that they would weigh me down.. they all knew this. They knew I needed to fly.

Up to this very moment I had thought they all hurt me and although at the time it did cause me some pain. (OK maybe a LOT) but I did survive and went onto thrive even just a little.

Look where I am. (currently 2017 living in Ottawa in the south end in my today dream house)

I have no distractions and unlimited space and the means to create anything I desire. I am supported by the world and beyond.

Those who are “different” are only expanding the Universe which is always happening but it is those who seem to be different than the rest who are examples of what is possible. We are the manifested dreams from those who came before us. 

We are left alone to expand our wings and to fly above and soar into the unknown. The people who leave us do so out of love as they know deep down that we are more and that more space is required. You see we don’t fit into this world they are living in. We sense it early on and in most cases it causes a riff in the small society we are a part of. We are different right off the bat, early in our life. Our loved ones really don’t know what to do with us, although they do their best.

I feel so blessed to be able to understand this today. I feel so honoured to be chosen to left alone for so alone. It has allowed me to connect to even more than I ever could of imagined.

Are we meant to be alone came to my thoughts? Can this be true? Could it be that what I am experiencing is what many are searching for? I have had the thought that anyone who is alone completely alone like a monk or nun who has no contact with the outside world and or who are silent are not really serving. I actually think it’s selfish to do this or that is what I had thought.

We are all beacons of light who are serving something beyond ourselves because we are only a piece of it all.

Actually I still think that..because doing the service alone only serves who? Yourself. Unless it actually allows you to discover your purpose of the being you are. So difficult to explain.

It has taken me all this time and for the rest of my life to be the example. To go beyond the expectations of this life…to spread my wings…. to soar and expand the Universe.

I have always written and it has been challenging at times but it has been my path to see this is who I am and so much more. It has allowed to me to find the Universe inside of me..that I am the Universe. That we all are. Each one of us is our own universe and each one of us is connected beyond that.

Words and being able to express them is just one small reason why I am here.

I thought it had to be something bigger like they wanted me to be but I would not stand out .. I would have just blended in and not been seen at all. Samething would of happened if those who left me would have stayed..I would of just blended in.

I love people who leave me now. Wow.

Once I got what other people are doing out of my head I could actually find my own way.

Here we go.

The title on this one is one that I hope to be true by the time I am done writing this.

I really don’t fucking feel very fabulous right now. In fact I am border line feeling like shit. Other than I just I put on a jacket that use to be too tight to wear and it fits me pretty good. I put on the jacket to go out and get something to eat to help soothe my feelings. Cause my feelings have got me a little down.

I slept good last night so according to most advice I’ve received over the years I should be in a better mood because every time I was in a bad mood, they would tell me to go sleep it off and you’ll feel better. Yes, generally that great wisdom would come from a man in my life that was completely disconnected from their own feelings. Them going to sleep work for them because when they woke up they would of completely forgot about the problem all together.

However I am not a man. No matter how hard I’ve tried to be one.

You see I had to be one or I thought I had to be one to seen by my father because his love was one I craved from the most. I saw him give it away to others but never to me. I saw him give to people who needed help, he has such a big heart therefore I became someone who also needed help. But that wasn’t enough either because according to him I should be able to figure it out on my own. What a contradiction. In addition to that one, I worked daily beside men on a farm and in some cases outworked them. I remember being overlooked for everything. I had to put the work in but never seemed to get the reward. My reward my life, a safe house, clothes to wear, and food to eat. The same reward as the livestock on the farm really.

There was such a double standard for women. There I was working along side these grown men, who actually paid attention to me (more of that later) the same men where I would have to feed later that day. I had to make sure they got the food before I did. I knew it wasn’t fair but I was merely a child. I had no voice and when I tried to use it, I would always be overpowered but someone stronger than me. Here I was a girl working hard but I could not smell bad. I could not burp, and not fart. I had to be quick in the bathroom so the men could go.

All this fucking time I have felt I had to be strong. I wanted to have power and I have constantly tried to convince others of that. I have created multiple businesses attempting to gain some sort of power but all of it is coming from an external source.

Getting an apology from my family on how I was raised will not do anything and I don’t feel that they should. We can only ever do what we can with what we know at the time.

I have been this desperate child who keeps getting older seeking for someone to love me enough so  I can finally stop being sad. 

Feeling really emotional

Let’s see…

Are you still struggling with your purpose?….Why does this have to feel so hard to achieve? Where are the maps? Text books? Teachers? Tour Guides? …….. as you read these words, the answer’s everywhere.  You should know better than what goes through your head.  You know the answers are always available to you.  It’s whether or not you are willing to see them at that time. Wow! Don’t you wish you could feel this enlightened all the time.  However, you also know that if you were to feel this way all the time, you wouldn’t be really able to see it and view it as a blessing in your life. Be grateful.

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May is Health Month here at Renovate Your Life.

This week is all about meditation.

I have been trying to practice this for years now. However what I have discovered is I’ve actually been doing it forever.
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