The title on this one is one that I hope to be true by the time I am done writing this.

I really don’t fucking feel very fabulous right now. In fact I am border line feeling like shit. Other than I just I put on a jacket that use to be too tight to wear and it fits me pretty good. I put on the jacket to go out and get something to eat to help soothe my feelings. Cause my feelings have got me a little down.

I slept good last night so according to most advice I’ve received over the years I should be in a better mood because every time I was in a bad mood, they would tell me to go sleep it off and you’ll feel better. Yes, generally that great wisdom would come from a man in my life that was completely disconnected from their own feelings. Them going to sleep work for them because when they woke up they would of completely forgot about the problem all together.

However I am not a man. No matter how hard I’ve tried to be one.

You see I had to be one or I thought I had to be one to seen by my father because his love was one I craved from the most. I saw him give it away to others but never to me. I saw him give to people who needed help, he has such a big heart therefore I became someone who also needed help. But that wasn’t enough either because according to him I should be able to figure it out on my own. What a contradiction. In addition to that one, I worked daily beside men on a farm and in some cases outworked them. I remember being overlooked for everything. I had to put the work in but never seemed to get the reward. My reward my life, a safe house, clothes to wear, and food to eat. The same reward as the livestock on the farm really.

There was such a double standard for women. There I was working along side these grown men, who actually paid attention to me (more of that later) the same men where I would have to feed later that day. I had to make sure they got the food before I did. I knew it wasn’t fair but I was merely a child. I had no voice and when I tried to use it, I would always be overpowered but someone stronger than me. Here I was a girl working hard but I could not smell bad. I could not burp, and not fart. I had to be quick in the bathroom so the men could go.

All this fucking time I have felt I had to be strong. I wanted to have power and I have constantly tried to convince others of that. I have created multiple businesses attempting to gain some sort of power but all of it is coming from an external source.

Getting an apology from my family on how I was raised will not do anything and I don’t feel that they should. We can only ever do what we can with what we know at the time.

I have been this desperate child who keeps getting older seeking for someone to love me enough so  I can finally stop being sad. 

Feeling really emotional

Let’s see…

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